|another new year
||[08 Jan 2008|12:37am]
it has been another year.
going through this journal.
it makes me sad.
i was soo upset about a lot of things.
most especially HIM.
and to quiet honest, i am still pretty upset about him.
people have come and gone in my life.
he and i didnt talk or see each other for a year.
and the first time i see him,
everything i worked so hard for
everything ived lied to myself about
it just, goes down the drain
and im back to square one.
but this time, im guna
accept the fact that i lose.
maybe ill never really be over him.
but what can i do about it.
life goes on.
and ill make the best of it.
with or without him in my life.
||[30 Jul 2007|01:12pm]
is merely around the corner.
my last year of high school.
so quick. alot of things.
alot of joy and alot of pain. hmmm.
well now i hav a car and i hav a job.
the first year ill enter high school
without havin a problem about HIM.
but he and i arent even friends anymore.
well like they say, things change..
sometimes for the better, sometimes not.
||[09 Jul 2007|10:52pm]
so everything in this family has been out of proportion.
and now its even worse.
whatever. ill deal with it.
im not scared because i didnt do anything wrong.
if this family can sit here and pretend that its picture perfect,
then i can sit here and pretend that i dont give a shit.
because at this point, im so done.
||[29 May 2007|01:16am]
goodness. its been a long time. a verii long time. well here i am again.
im about to become a senior in less than two weeks.and here i am again.
still in love with him.its been a long time.ive been hurting a long time
i havnt spoken to him in almost 6 months.i decided that he needs to be happy with whoever hes with.our relationship ended a year and a half ago.
and ever since then i lied to him.i told him i didnt love him anymore.
we were friends and we spokeatleast once a month.but new years came and i said no. it needs to stop.i need to stop caring.but i still do.
its almost guna b four years or so
since this whole charade began.
i wonder wen its going to be over. cuz it hurts oh so very much. it still hurts. and ive ran out of things to do.
||[15 Feb 2007|10:21pm]
the boy said he didnt really care about me as his girlfriend.
the "unsaid" terms is why were really together.
so much for giving boys another chance.
its prolly my fault.
shall i say NEXT?
||[09 Feb 2007|04:54pm]
wow. its been a while huh? new boyfriend. so much for new years resolutions. lol. its the weirdest thing ever. see, i know this kid from elementary school. say 4th or 5th grade. he was the boy all the girls liked, including my cousin. i, on the other hand, did not care much for him. as a matter of fact, i found him annoying. nd i calld sexual harassment on him. he just touched my butt. on accident or not, i never cared to find out. anywho, a few months ago i saw him after a saturday class. he was playing basketball against my school. interestingly enough, he didnt say anything but just looked at me. then i had him on my myspace nd we kinda talkd. then it just went away. a few weeks ago, i went to a basketball game at his school. interestingly enough my cousin told me that she sa him the night before at the movies. i said oh and i care because??? he wasnt playing on the team anymore but it was a good first half anyway. i went to the bathroom nd when i was going back ino the gym, i saw him. and all he did was stare at me again. i said what? nd he didnt say anything but kept on looking at me. so i turned around and went back inside. then 5 minutes later my friend called me and she said she was coming ot the game but she wantd me to wait outside for her. so i went nd i called her nd told her that i was outside nd waiting for her. but i guess her fone was dead. then he came over nd gave me a hug. nd i told him, so u finally decided to say hi to me. we kinda caught up and sat down. i met up wit my friend nd told her i was stayin outside nd the rest of the crew was inside. we continued talking and he told me had a crush on my in elementary school but it seemed like i hated him. i told him i didnt hate him. i just found him annoying. lol. we talked. nd eventually, he asked me out. i surprised myself and him when i said yes. there are unsaid terms between us. he doesnt open up either. but lately i havent been worrying and assuming things about him. idk why. maybe i dont like him enough yet. im surprised ive stuck thru these couple of weeks because ive never lasted more than a month nd a half with a boy. atleast not officially. the ex boyfriend knows. im not sure if he could care less. yes i still care about the ex. but im willing to give it a go with this boy. wish me luck....
||[14 Jan 2007|09:13pm]
so even though i just learned how to fly a month ago,
we got first place in competitions today.
level 1 but better than nothing.
and yes we are going to nationals.
im friggin excited.
my first competition.
my first time flying in a performance.
yes ive made wrong choices last year
but i wont make them again.
i promised that to myself.
and i will try veryy hard to give up
on HIM because he just wont let me in
and its no use trying to fight for something
only i want.
i wont try having sex with some other ppl
or trying drugs for that matter.
lol. im just guna let it be i suppose.
no matter how much it hurts me every day
ill try my best to handle it in the best way
i just hope he knows im here for him and
that ill always love him.
||[17 Dec 2006|10:23am]
so i was done with geoff.
i mean he had a gf. nd
he prolly fucked her.
he wantd me to go out with a certain boy.
i mean i liked this boy.
nd hes really sweet.
then friday i ditched.
but i told my mom i was helping set up for
and me nd this boy just did some errands he hadda do.
then went bak to his house.
my friend told me
how this boy
says the right things
does the right things
to get what he wants.
and i really thot he was different.
its been kinda weird between me nd this boy
another stupid mistake.
||[20 Nov 2006|09:20pm]
he has a girlfriend now.
oh well. whatever.
i think its over now.
i mean it this time.
no more hooking up or anything.
but he doesnt need to ignore me.
we playd his school friday
nd he said he wasnt coming.
but i think he did go.
dont lie to me.
dont tell me stories.
tell me ur shit straight up.
i didnt kno he was talkin to a girl
because we wer planning to meet up at the game
nd we talkd about it two days before he told me had a girl.
so i was just like wtf?
nd it makes me mad because wen i start liking a boy, i tell him.
not wen im goin out wit the guy. but just wen i start liking someone.
whatever tho. like i said, i didnt mean shit to him.
nd its my karma.
cuz i hooked up with someone less than a week after i hooked up with him.
karmas a bitch but hey its done nd over with.
||[11 Oct 2006|10:49pm]
so theres this guy. yea i suddenly like someone. and the scary thing is, i havnt liked anyone like this since my ex....lets make this easier. my ex boyfriend will be... C and this new guy will b D. well its strange. i will like someone but i havnt liked someone as strong like this since C. gahh. i was doing just fine. sometimes i didnt think much about C. now i think about C and D. D knows i like him. he knew before i even told him. we're, i suppose getting to kno each other as friends. and im okay with that. i never asked to fall hard for someone again. i never asked to be in a relationship. im not asking for anything but a break from boys. but i get the opposite. im not asking him to like me bak. he said its not that he doesnt like me but its that his life is busy and its pretty crappy. he told me why he moved here nd i was pretty surprised. he's pretty mellow compared to C. theyre pretty opposite in most ways. im just scared. ive cried every night about C and i dont want to like D, not because hes a bad person. he's a great guy. but because i have a feeling im falling too fast for someone nd i will most likely fall flat on my ass. too many girls like him. im not the type to like someone alot of ppl like. im really picky most of the time. i dont kno what i got myself into. im usually able to control how much i like a person.this isnt working . idont wanna like anyone at all. i dont wanna think about anyone at all. i just want some peace. nd im keeping myself busy. trusttttt me.
||[09 Sep 2006|09:01pm]
today was my 16th birthday.
i cried nd slept.
||[06 Sep 2006|09:11pm]
well he said he doesnt think
that we should do it anymore.
its not that he doesnt want to
but we shouldnt.
nd i completely agree.
he askd me on wat my opinion on
sex really was nd i said,
that its really for people
who truly love each ohter
nd sex is only secondary.
it should never be the main
thing in a relationship.
nd sex is really for reproducing.
the thing is that the night we last
did do it, even tho we said we wouldnt,
he was so sweet to me.
my best friend was in the bak
nd we wernt doing anything.
he held my hand
nd stroked my hair.
nd kissed me even tho i turnd away.
it gets me because he nevers does these things
in front of other ppl.
it killed me even more to realize
that yea maybe that door is closed wit the whole
doing "it" but it showed how much
i still care.
nd im doing the best i can
to put out that fire.
nd its getting easier since my days
are longer nd busier so i dont hav much time to think.
but i dont know. i know its not meant to be.
ive accepted that. but i dream about him everynight.
this has been on for such a long time.
idk why. nd then on the days i havnt thought much about him
nd wen i havnt spoken to him, my friends tell me,
are you okay? u seem dead lately. =[
i pray to God that theres a good reason for this.
because im suffering pretty bad.
i wake up early to not dream about him anymore
nd i need that sleep but i cant stand dreaming
about someone who probably never croses their mind
to think of me. im doing alrite. im pretty sure i am
because none of my friends know wats really going on except
the best. i will be okay. nd i trust that God has a plan for me.
its the only trust i can really rely on anymore. =]
im guna call it a night guys. ill b okay. i promise.
||[28 Aug 2006|05:11pm]
I used to think that things can change
because of luck. because of a miracle.
I used to hope id come across a miracle
or such luck.
but I realized that luck nd miracles
are rare things.
and sometimes you have to make ur own
luck, ur own miracle.
if u sit bak nd expect something to happen,
nothing will. u hav to b the one
to do something if u want things to change
for the better.
sometimes things arent on the brightest side.
sometimes things dont go the way u want it to.
but ur just guna hav to deal with it
and make the best of it.
nd u never hav to settle for less.
even tho it seems that u only have one choice,
make urself another option.
its like love.
there will b a boy or two who will
hurt you. deeply. nd it seems like life wont
go on. but it will. either u just feel sorry
for urself nd continuously call urself an idiot
or u just take it all in, get bak on ur feet
nd just wait for the next guy to come along.
its guna take a few trials.
but if uve got hope for love,
either u jsut risk it all. or u dont take a risk at all.
thats my say for the day.
||[27 Aug 2006|06:14pm]
im not entirely sure if it was pure shock
that prevented my tears
or if i just really didnt care.
but i have told myself
there wont b tears anymore.
nd im holding myself to it
a part of me thinks that i really
really dont care.
where it doesnt matter.
nd there are times
wen i can believe it.
the other part
seems like it was just
able to hold up a wall
nd ive continuously
tested myself in order
to make my wall so much stronger.
im not entirely sure wat i feel.
i dont intend to find out.
most of the time i just dont care
because there is no point to care about.
life is the greatest challenge that
we all have to face.
nd i know that everything thats happening
to me now, good and bad, ill pull through.
ive always mananged to pull through.
whether i had a friend or family at my side
or whether i was alone.
i am tempted to say
the hell with everything
and find a way to move somewhere else
nd start over.
but i suppose i must finish wats been
started. wat keeps me going
everyday is the fact that i kno
there are ppl in a much worser situation
nd that there are ppl who love me.
its just up to me to let them love me.
nd to let myself love them back.
||[17 Aug 2006|11:03am]
little brother. =]]
||[13 Aug 2006|03:30pm]
and im not sure
wat im confused about
and wat im hurt about.
maybe its shock for now.
nd eventually ill figure it out later.
i wish i never experienced love.
i wish i never wat it was.
nd if my wish comes true,
i also wish ill never experience it.
now i definetly dont believe in it
||[07 Aug 2006|08:58pm]
u kno those days wen u get angry at the parents
nd u lock urself in ur room
and start crying
and having all these thoughts of why it isnt fair
nd then u end up crying nd crying nd then
u realize u arent mad at ur parents
but just of how the way things are
and how u just cant change it?
idk. thats how today went.
eventually i kept crying of other things.
wenever that happens
its like every scar
that any kind of reminder
that pain has brought me
opens. nd it hurts so bad.
tonight one of the biggest scars
in my heart was torn open.
i wanted my aunt to be alive.
she has to b alive.
she kant b dead.
cuz u kno maybe if she was still alive
maybe i wouldnt b so pathetic.
i dont know.
its just one of those days....
||[25 Jul 2006|05:45pm]
this is my list...of things i said i will never do. even the ones i already broke. if i forgot any of them, please do the honor of saying so. =]]
x=broken them already
1.[x] never getting a boyfriend till im 29
2.[x] never dating a mexican guy...(long story)
3.[x] never falling in love
4. never falling in love again
5. never dating again/getting a boyfriend
6. never getting married
7. never having kids.
seven...hmmm not bad. ive probably forgotten some.
i dont regret some of the decisions i made.
and the decisions i will make arent what i always agree with
but for the benefit of others.it may not
make any sense to you guys.
but it makes perfect sense to me.
||[20 Jul 2006|01:08pm]
this is damn ridiculous
he's not talking to me.
completely ignoring my fone calls.
i just dont wanna lose him as a friend.
rennie said that he'll get over it
him being mad at me
does not help me out
wit the fact that
im stressed out as it is.
im so damn tired
ive got a headache
thats fucking ridiculous because i
get it every morning
thru the entire day.
there will b times wen my stomach hurts
and i dont kno why.
nd then it gets hard for me to breathe.
i dont kno wats going on
hopefully ill pull thru this one.
im not really afraid
im just tired.
again,make it go away.
||[16 Jul 2006|08:58pm]
nd in pain.
make it go away.